Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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