The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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