I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize