I just made out with a guy for $7.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
