last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Randomize
