Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
