Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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