Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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