and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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