If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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