Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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