Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
