Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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