Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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