Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
