I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
