anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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