Your mouth is God's brothel.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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