Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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