I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
