It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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