now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
