Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
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