if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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