Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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