it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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