Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
