Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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