my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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