stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
