Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
