Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
