I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
