New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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