i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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