Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
