I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I need to align my fucking chakras
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
