Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
foreskin is a definite game changer
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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