The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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