Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
