life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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