I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I need moral support for this bender
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
