so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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