I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
