you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
