At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
