There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
