I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
