I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize