Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
