You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
