whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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