God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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