3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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