i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
