Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
