I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
