they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
