Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
