The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
