shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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