I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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