I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Randomize
