Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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