Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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