the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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