I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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